Thank you for my dear friend Can for drawing Roseline hehe <333

Content Warning: Slight Gender Dysphoria, Religious Trauma

I remember one of my favourite icebreakers to tell to people (albeit a bit closer than simply just strangers) is basically I never masturbated because I was too pride growing up, and now that I want to try it I can't. It's a huge oversimplification, but it works as a story. It made people laugh and stir up emotion. I don't think it's something that's traumatizing or anything, in fact it truly is just a remarkable funny little story. That's it. But everything afterwards, I haven't thought of it. Do I think of sexual stuff alot? Because I don't jack off, right? And all these things. I've always put them at the back of my mind because it's not really important at the time of thinking. It's wrong, it is important, but my attitude was somewhat correct (hehe).

I'm not going to explain in detail how I exactly found out that I was ace, but it's a bittersweet feeling knowing I'm one. I don't really find it more gratifying or satisfying when I found out I am ace, but it's nice to know that there are others that feels what I feel. I understand that everyone has feelings that are considered universal (such as our major emotions, some experiences are common too), but everything about me screams just, straight up weird, especially growing in the local scene. First of all, I am a literal minority (although not oppressed, I'm not abusing my card). Growing up perceived as white, you get compliments from my distant families, saying that I was "handsome" because I have pale skin, etc. It does not help that I am also tall too, a trait from white people. Growing up, I was on average taller than the average kid. Even at sixth grade, when girl's hormones kicked in earlier and started growing taller earlier, I was still taller. Am I super duper tall? Don't think so, but I'm still reasonably tall. Why is this relevant? Means, I am being alienated from the start. I distinctively remember I had a friend in primary/middle school telling me that my face is "racially ambiguous". Is this a compliment? Maybe. But for me, this adds further to my disconected sense of self. I had no local tribe to connect with. I have alot of races from my pops, sure, but none of them are what my friends commonly have. I don't speak a special dialect or local language. Coincidentally, I was always more attracted to the virtual world rather the real one, so naturally my english was also excellent. Did not help the white man allegations. Moreover, I was also diagnosed with Autism and ADHD at a young age. I'm actually not larping! Which is insane. And I'm semi grateful that my mom did treat me back then. What the practitioners do is basically when I arrived at the clinic, they would make me do these fun physical activities around the room until I was tired. When I was tired, I can lock the fuck in. That was the early cure for ADHD back then (somehow still works? not really though). My point is, I had a LOT of things that separated me from my peers. Eventually I did found my friends that was "inter-coded" (a friend used this term, it's funny but technically they're not wrong). We spoke english, eventually we were all queer, and we weren't like the popular kids. They're truly amazing people which filled my days in primary and middle school, I have to thank them for that.

But to the main point! It's true I grew up somewhat being too prideful for jacking off. I grew up in a somewhat controlling and religious household. I say somewhat not because if I'm not sure that if I got trauma for the religious and controlling experience all this time (I very much have so), but moreso I've devised tricks to get out from those sticky situations. I think other people have it way worst when it comes to actually abusive families. My parents, they were conservative and had to be super strict with me due to my rebellious and over-energetic tendencies, but I recognize they must've sacrificed their lifes trying to steer my life better (especially with my adhd). So there I am. I grew up knowing that I am attracted to my opposite sex, women, but I've never questioned it. I've been taught that liking, or lusting things is just a natural response from your body, and you should resist it. Hence, never question it, just supress it. I'm not one that has super strong sexual desires, so I never really understood what that sentiment means. In fact, this ordeal, that teenage boys (arguably even after teenager too) are incredibly horny people that can masturbate up to multiple times a day. I never once jacked off, even back then, so eventually when I was hanging out with strictly guy circles that talked about these stuff ("Oh my god man, yesterday I jacked off like 5 times! It was crazy! Haha!"), I...felt alienated once again. But this time, it's even weirder. Maybe I can't relate to other ethnic groups because I wasn't born like them, which I can't help right? So it's kinda dumb worrying over it. But now...? You're supposed to love porn. Atleast not be addicted, maybe, although being addicted was somewhat cool too, but the point is you should've loved sexual desires, but yet here you are. Dissonant once again.

Dammit.

All this changed when two particular events changed me - primarily in high school. First, I had a crush on a fujoshi. Young me thought that In order for me to be able to talk to my crush, then I should just discuss about her interest, right? This includes...massive fuck tons of BLs and stuff. Granted, reducing her to fujoshi is not accurate. She was your fandom girl, sometimes would cosplay (she introduced me to the world of local cosplaying I think even), and she was an artist. Anyways, because of her, I ended being introduced to the wonderful world of boys love! Yaoi! Otome games! All that stuff. Do I like them? Most of the times, no! But I did discover that I actually liked guys...I'm just super duper strict about it. Long story short, I was rejected, but I still liked yaoi and otome and stuff. This strangely made me connect to my women friends. So yay...? Still continue up to this day, so in a way, thank you young me for reading BLs for the sake of your crush!

The second one is, something more of a canon event. When woke 1.0 became massive, I was one of the few unfortunate that wasn't convinced. You know, "all lives matter" and stuff. I can still vividly remember back then. Was I guilty? Yes, definitely. But I disliked that I was just a high school guy, because of this, I was kicked out of my closest friend group (they were woke) and just assumed I was a full on racist. Oh and also, I was cancelled online. Received a lot of death threats. Not fun, would not want to experience that again. I was so shocked, sad, terrified, that I apologized and promised to be better. I researched why, and eventually understood myself. I won't say that what I did was right, but the thing is, I'm not even from America. To suddenly protest about other countries problems, when I wasn't exposed to those particular racism, you can't blame that I did not understand what's at stake. Enough about that time. Point is, I became woke. Although forcefully, later on I would study more leftist literature. At some point, I think I identified as an anarchist? (lmao). But these days, I'm generally a leftist, mostly focusing on reading intersectionality, especially on feminism.

So! I discovered I was bi, and I became woke. Two things made me explore my identity more and more. Another event was lining up, which birthed another identity with me that I still use until now. That is....college! Imagine, you just escaped pandemic. You were going on a university which is far from home, far from your controlling and religious parents. This was your whole life dream. You finally could be who you are. Who you wanted to be. My repressed self, who I didn't even know existed until this age, manifested. Lo and behold, Rose. I was trans!

I wish I could elaborate on the exact origins, but it's fuzzy. All I know though, is when I was read blue period, Ryuji Ayukawa, a trans character in the manga/anime (anime hasn't come out, this was at my final year of high school, which is so funny because I was reading in the same timeframe as the MC, Yaguchi, also pivoted from his usual studies to art. Could've been an Art school if didn't have such phobia on drawing). Still is my profile for my second account's profile picture. I'm forever grateful for her. Anyways, I basically had my freedom! I could dress whatever I wanted (granted, I actually never bought/wore strictly feminine clothes), it was more of I could style my clothes (my city was also cold, allowing me to layer up to 3 layers of clothes. Super nice). I eventually cross-dressed a lot, despite my tall, bulky, and manly frame. It felt really nice. Felt like my occasional dysphoria finally alleviated. I was FAR from passing, but man. This was a dream of multiple years came true. I was so happy. It was at this point that I started to use my trans name, Rose. I would basically use Rose in a lot of places. I (still) play gacha games, and whenever I play a new one, I would use a variation of Rose. My favourites so far are Roseline (which I still use to this day), Roxanne, Rosetta.

if I don't stop talking about my trans moment in life, I could go on forever. But you see, that's not all! On a more conscious decisions, I wanted to rebrand myself in college. I've always a tiny collection of usernames I love using, but none of them are intentional. I just learnt about brand marketing (just a bit), so I wanted to basically use that knowledge in real life. And so I draft my future identity! I first realized that I was in the physics major (spoilers: I dropped out). So I wanted to have a physics-related name. But also, related to my irl name as well. I won't dox myself here, but I've eventually settled on the name "Lux" (yes, it was inspired my League. I think Arcane was full on hype, and my friends were also dragging me on League. Fortunately am not addicted by it). I took this concept called "flux", and basically combined that with my name. This part is a bit funky, because I wanted my name to also reference math in a way, so it should've been f(lux). Also, totally not because for some reason I loved this used-to-be-popular kpop group called f(x). But, I ended writing (f)lux most of the time. Maybe to make an inversion? Cool I guess. The interesting part is the result of this Identity. I get this super duper new Identity that is gender-neutral (I think?) and I ended super duper loving it.

That's why in that regard, they are both my identities right now. I have my irl name, which constitutes my irl personality, and then Rose, I represent my feminine side, and Flux! Moreso masculine, I'd say. Now, notice the labels. I don't like labels, which is why the lack of labels is what I want to highlight. I don't really use the label "trans", not because I don't associate with it, but due to several reasons. First, I think that if you use the trans label, there's a certain prerequisites that you have to fulfil. Besides from, you know, feeling like you wanted your gender to be a woman but it doesn't fit of your born sex, but also two things I think. First, is the dysphoria. This is important, because this is what makes you different from, say, crossdressers. Crossdressers do what they do because it's simply a hobby, a passion. Don't get me wrong, I think you can be trans without dysphoria, but often times the feeling of loneliness, intense self-hatred, and that strong desire to just rip your flesh to your desired one, to quickly transition. That feeling is unique to trans people. Secondly, the commitment to be trans itself. This is a whole discourse, which I won't talk now, but I feel like if you claim to be trans, you'd have to have an effort to be trans. Can't transition irl? Then make your whole identity into feminine presenting online. Nothing's stopping you right? Dress feminine if you can, try out girly stuff, all that fancy and nanny. Without these, I don't think I can qualify someone for being trans. Not that I ever use these standards on anyone but me, and I say, I don't have these both desires. It's more so...I'm comfortable in my body right now. I get to appreciate my own body, which leads me to be happier, and having less and less sense of dysphoria. Second, I don't make a strong attempt to be strictly feminine. I can't transition irl due to my controlling, religious family, and conservative environment anyways, but I don't regulate my online persona to be strictly feminine. I love F(lux). It's cool. It's not really feminine, but oh well? Because of these considerations I don't think I'm truly trans, and that's okay! I am genuinely comfortably in my own body, I'm glad I found a way. However, given free estrogen, I would try it in a heartbeat.

It's with the reason above that I don't really identify as non-binary. I think the definition of non-binary is to not belonging to either genders. To be socially perceived without any restriction of a strict set of feminine or masculine identifies. I...very much haven't achieved that level of commitment. Or maybe just the thought that I am non-binary. I am...very much still binary. Each of my personality is still strictly adhere to a certain gender identity. My IRL and F(lux)'s are masculine (IRL is more so just to mask, hence I group them both together), while Roseline is strictly feminine. So, technically not non-binary. Very much binary, and I'm totally okay with that! ergo, my pronouns are She/Him, but any pronouns is fine. It's just I don't refer to myself as they/them, so if you happen to refer with those pronouns, I might not hear you sometimes...

Moving to labels, I've decided to label myself under the Ace umbrella. Do I have sexual urges? I don't know what classifies as one! But I don't do a lot of activities that satisfies my urges, because I don't have a lot anyways. In return, one of my hyper fixations is just studying porn and fetishes. Why do people like it, what aspect do they like, how they correlate to other similar fetishes under the umbrella, what factors contributed to someone liking this particular fetish, etc. It's surprisingly fun! Give it a try. Some fetishes are...harder to approach, but it does give me a more sense of clarity once you study them, especially if you realize each country have their own taste, that correlates to the condition of said country.

I love who I am right now. I've committed to Rose in college, but I never really expanded on that Identity. I used to be active once in social media, and I want to come back again. I want to meet other fellow queer people. Introduce myself to the local queer scene. Understand more about our culture and history. So that I can learn about who I am. What I am. What I can be. I'm glad that although my life has a lot ups and downs, right now I clearly can see myself better and better. I used to look at myself like a snow globe but filled with a fog. You can't really see things inside, but these days, the fog keeps getting clearer and clearer. It's embarrassing that although I've liked a lot of medias, I just recently started to dive on what people usually do: Make Original Characters, write stories about them, etc. I'm working on that, especially wanting to find other people in fandoms that I'm interested since I'm so used to being alone. I have to learn to open my heart and connect with other people. Only by knowing others I can further deepen the lens which I use to view myself. Despite all the trouble in my life, I'm glad that I am who I am now.

Shoutout to Anon, my very good friend who I'm still friends now. We don't meet a lot due to being different places, but we still connect about two things: Art, and our Identity. I think she helped also push about who I wanted to be, albeit subconsciously. When I look at her being free of herself, I don't feel any ounce of jealous. Instead, I feel very supportive. I feel happy that someone else is living my dream. I see my future bright. Maybe one day I can be like her. I hope so. The future is uncertain, and exactly because of that you must choose the optimistic version.